


I don't need any help to be breakable

by sandyk



Category: Superstore (TV)
Genre: A little Amy/OFC, Anal Sex, Bi Jonah, F/M, Pegging, US Politics - Freeform, au S3, bi amy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 18:19:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13529919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandyk/pseuds/sandyk
Summary: Amy goes to see Jonah in his FEMA trailer 25 days after the tornado. A pretty different s3.





	I don't need any help to be breakable

**Author's Note:**

> For the trope bingo square bite marks/bruises and spanking. Title and opening quote from the national's slipped. not mine, no profit garnered.

_I don't need any help to be breakable, believe me_  
_I know nobody else who can laugh along to any kind of joke_  
_I won't need any help to be lonely when you leave me_

 

Jonah was getting used to his FEMA trailer. It wasn't so bad. Tomorrow, for sure, he was going to find some places to apply to, get his own place that wasn't a trailer He was going to call his dad or his mom and talk about borrowing money for his first and last deposit so he could move in somewhere. His renter's insurance was probably never going to pay out. But he would start on that. Step one was calling his mom or his dad. 

Tomorrow, he thought. He stood up and walked towards the door of the trailer. He would go out today. He looked at his phone and there were still no messages. He could call people, he thought. He didn't need to wait for anyone. He opened his twitter app and started reading. 

He'd been sitting on the floor of his trailer browsing twitter for two hours and his chest hurt when someone knocked at the door. He jumped up and said, "Hello? You can't borrow my phone again."

"Why would I want to do that?"

That was Amy's voice. He opened the door and smiled. "Hey, Amy. I thought you were someone else."

"I guess," Amy said. She looked mostly the same. It had been 25 days since he'd last seen her. She was wearing black capri leggings and a tanktop and a hoodie. She didn't have any makeup on, she somehow looked like she was Cheyenne's age. She also looked worried and nervous. Maybe Jonah was projecting. 

"Hi," Jonah said. "Hi, you're here."

"I am," Amy said. "Can I come in or are we talking like this?"

"It's not very, sure, come in," Jonah said. He stepped aside. 

Amy stepped in. She smelled clean. She looked at the bed and cheap sheets and pillows and the crappy kitchen and Jonah realized he hadn't really decorated. Amy said, "This is super depressing. Have you thought about buying, I don't know, anything?"

"I haven't been very motivated," Jonah said. "Sorry, I know it's a bummer. Once I bought enough clothes to changes out of the ones I was wearing, I didn't really go much further."

"It's your bummer," Amy said. "You've been here three weeks, right?"

"Yeah," Jonah said. "I don't know, it's weird not having a job. I just go to the library. Every other day. I sleep a lot?"

"Do you need help?" Amy took her hands out of her pockets and then jammed them back in. "You're like a textbook illustration of depression."

"Oh, I'm fine," Jonah said. "Trust me, I've been worse. I mean, this is nothing. Just finding my feet again."

Amy just stared at him. Then she said, "Have you found a new place?"

"I need to call my parents," Jonah said. "I don't have the money for a deposit."

"How did you have it last year, when you moved here?"

Jonah walked over to the bed and sat on it. "I had, uh, I don't have access to that account anymore. My mom felt like I was using it wrong?"

"By making a deposit on a place to live," Amy said. "In St. Louis, where you worked at Cloud 9."

"I still have a job, right? Did you hear something?" Jonah plugged his phone into the charger. 

"You do," Amy said. "Did your mom cut you off because she doesn't like that you work here?"

"Nope," Jonah said. "She doesn't mind that. She cut me off because I spent too much decorating my apartment."

"Huh," Amy said. "I didn't, um, I'm sorry I never visited your apartment if it was that extravagant."

"Mom thought I should have done my shopping at Cloud 9, not um, where I did shop," Jonah said. "It wasn't that extravagant. It wasn't extravagant. It was quality workmanship."

"That does leave out Cloud 9 furniture," Amy said. "Well, now you've lost everything. She should be okay reopening it, right?"

Jonah shrugged. "I'm sure she will be."

"She knows your apartment was leveled, right?"

"Not really," Jonah said. He stood up and unplugged his phone. "Hey, I still can use one of my credit cards, you want get something to eat? And I still have my car, which thankfully survived the tornado."

"Okay," Amy said. "Will you be less on the edge if we're out of the trailer? I feel like you're about five seconds away from, like, biting your hand off or something."

"I wouldn't bite my hand off, or hurt myself like, I would do, you know, but that's not," Jonah said. "But I'm not going to do that, we're going to go eat."

They sat across from each other at some barbeque place Amy had picked. She said, "We don't have to talk about it."

"It being the kiss?" Jonah watched her eyes widen. "Sorry. Sorry."

"Adam and I are getting divorced. He's already moved out. It had nothing to do with you," Amy said, forcefully. 

"I know," Jonah said. "I'm sorry. Um, what else have you been doing?"

"Well, I called Garrett and he said he saw that your apartment was leveled. And I thought, it would be good to say hi to you. Then I saw you were not doing much," Amy said. "Or nothing. You're doing nothing. You should call your mom, right now. Give me your phone."

"Are you going to call her?"

"No, I'm going to dial, though." He handed her his phone because, because she asked, he guessed. She said, "What's your passcode?"

"I don't want to tell you," he said.

"Is it embarrassing? Like 6969? It better not be 6969," Amy said.

"Of course it's not, I'm not Marcus. Or 14. It's 1939," Jonah said. 

"Weird," Amy said. He watched her flipping through his contacts. "Nana Tillie? Nana Sari?"

"My grandmothers, both alive," Jonah said.

"PopPop and Papa Ed, grandfathers, I assume," Amy said. 

"Yup," Jonah said. "You don't need to call them."

Amy said, "So 'Mom' is your mother."

"Yeah," Jonah said, reaching for the phone. Amy twisted away from him and dialed the number. 

Then she handed him the phone just as he heard his mother saying "Jonah?"

"Hi, Mom," Jonah said. "I was calling, did you see that story about the tornado in St. Louis?"

"A month ago? Yes, I assumed it had nothing to do with you. Were you hurt?" She didn't sound concerned, actually. 

"No, no, I wasn't. The tornado ripped the ceiling off the store so I'm out of work for another month or so. And my apartment building was basically leveled," Jonah said. He sighed. 

"You lost your apartment?"

"And everything in it. I just have my car and my phone and the clothes I was wearing," Jonah said. 

"Why didn't you call sooner? Jonah," his mother said. "Jonah, you should have called as soon as it happened. Were you in another of your funks?" His mother made that annoying huffing sound. "I'm surprised you haven't driven to Mississippi to work at McDonald's."

"To work at McDonalds? Come on, Mom," Jonah said. "Another of my funks, really? Thanks for that."

"How do you describe them? Where are you even living?"

"I'm, I have a FEMA trailer. Until I find a new place. But I can't afford it without your help. I can pay you back," Jonah said, trying not to meet Amy's eyes. 

"You can't pay me back, please stop saying that," his mother said. "I'll fly out and we'll get this straightened out."

"You're flying out?"

Amy blanched. She mouthed "I'm sorry."

Jonah's mother said, "I am flying out. We're going to get you back on your feet again."

"Great," Jonah said. "I can't wait."

After he put his phone down, Amy said, "I'm sorry. She doesn't sound fun."

"She loves me," Jonah said. 

"You know what? You can sleep in the basement. There's a pull out couch and it's not quite so bleak as the trailer," Amy said.

"I should move in with you? That's a bad idea," Jonah said.

"You're staying with me until your mother gets you a new apartment," Amy said. "I owe you for making you call her."

"I don't agree," Jonah said.

"Please just do it," Amy said. 

!!

It took an hour to get Jonah moved into Amy's basement. He seemed to have perked up a little which was nice. 

Amy should have said that she saw herself in Jonah, she was doing the same nothing, barely getting anything done. Without Emma, she would have stayed in bed every day since Adam moved out. 

She explained to Emma it wouldn't be long, "His mom's coming and she'll get him a new place. It's just better than where he was staying."

"Okay, whatever," Emma said. 

The first day, they watched TV together. She drove with him to the mall so he could go to an Eddie Bauer. "Really?" She held up another plaid shirt. "You have an addiction, Jonah."

"I'm only buying a few," Jonah said. "I'm pretty sure Mom's taking me shopping."

The second day they watched more TV together. He cleaned the kitchen and made her coffee, which was nice. She was looking over at him, sitting on the couch. She poked his bicep. "You don't work out, do you?"

"Yes, I do," Jonah said. "I use resistance bands."

"I don't care," Amy said. 

She got a call from Adam who once again had managed to flake out. She huffed but she went to Emma's school because it was Emma. Emma got in the car and blithely admitted she wasn't getting out of class early, she had dropped out of her third class with her dad's help. Amy fumed but kept her mouth shut. 

She immediately called Adam when they got home. She said, "Why did you do that? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I knew you'd be upset and I didn't want to keep having the same fight," Adam said. 

"It's not the same fight," Amy said. "It's not about us, it's about Emma. There are no more fights about us. We aren't married, right? All we have is Emma, and we can't not talk about her."

"You don't listen to me," Adam said.

"About Emma? Did you even try?" Amy had moved to the stairs down to the basement. She was just sitting there, hoping Emma wasn't trying to listen. Jonah probably was. 

"We're not really communicating well," Adam said. "I guess I'm the bad guy again."

"Come on, Adam, we have to stop doing this. You have to, I have to. This is about Emma. You have to say to me, hey, I think Emma is taking too many classes, she complained to me. Even if you're worried I'll be mean to you. It doesn't matter anymore, we're not married. But we're still parents," Amy said.

"You would be mean to me, but fine, fine, I see your point," Adam said. 

"I'll try not to be mean to you," Amy said. She clenched her hand in a fist and her nails almost broke the skin. "I'm going to go yell at Emma, by the way. And you have to back me up. Because today, it's the two of you hiding something from me, tomorrow could be me and Emma hiding something from you. And that's fucking wrong, right?"

"Right," Adam said. "Fine."

She almost threw the phone. She really hoped Jonah wasn't listening to how bad Amy was at everything. 

She went upstairs and opened Emma's door. "You have to knock, Mom," Emma whined.

"Sometimes I do," Amy said. "No more playing your dad against me. You want to only take two summer school classes? You tell both of us."

"You would never let me," Emma said.

"You know that for sure? Don't assume, Emma, and don't be manipulative like this," Amy said. 

"You're so obsessed with me taking all these classes and going to college," Emma said. 

"I want you to go to college because it gives you more opportunities and you get to learn amazing things," Amy said. 

"You and Dad didn't go to college, are you both failures?"

Amy glared at Emma. "Do you think this argument is working for you?"

"God, Mom, I don't want to take French, okay?"

Amy crossed her arms. "Was that so hard to say to me? Do that next time and avoid all this yelling and manipulation."

"Stop saying manipulation," Emma said. 

Amy had about a hundred responses to that but she knew better than to react in anger. At least for too long. She left and let Emma slam the door. Then she went downstairs and flopped down on the couch to wait for Jonah to cringe his way upstairs. 

Instead he came in the door with a bag from Target. "Resistance bands," he said, smiling.

"Did you just leave to get those when you heard all the fighting?"

"Was there fighting?" Jonah opened the box and pulled out his very exciting resistance bands. "I should get back in shape." He was trying to show her something, stepping on the band and pulling it up but he tripped or something. It was funny. She liked to laugh at his clumsiness.

"Ha," he said. "I got it this time. Here, you try. It's using your own body weight to make yourself strong and you might think working at the store does that, but you have to train your core and stuff. That's what my trainer said."

"When you were fencing?" Amy dutifully stepped on the stupid band and tried to pull up the ends. It was harder than she would have thought. She would never admit that. 

"When I was fencing," Jonah said. "But I also --"

"Indoor rock climbing," Amy said. 

"You have a shockingly good memory for everything I've ever said at work," Jonah said. "And I can tell you're getting a workout there."

Emma came downstairs and said, "What are you doing?"

"Resistance bands," Jonah said. "I only got two. Do you want to try mine?"

Emma looked intensely skeptical. She came downstairs anyway. 

!!

Amy insisted on coming with Jonah to the airport. "I'm kind of dying to meet your mother."

"She's just a mom," Jonah said. 

"I can't believe you have three older brothers," Amy said. "Wait, give me the names and ages again."

"I find this really disturbing," Jonah said. "Okay. Me, 31, Julian, 41, Jeremiah, 43, and Jasper who is 45."

"They took that J and ran with it," Amy said. "Saves on monogramming I guess. Did your family do a lot of monogramming?"

"We all have different middle names. Different Hebrew names, too," Jonah said. 

"That's a lot of time spent pregnant," Amy said.

"They got married at 20," Jonah said. "Jasper came a year later."

"So," Amy said, "Basically your mom was my age when you were born or older, still. I don't know, four kids is a lot. And they're divorced."

"Since I was 19," Jonah said. "Dad cheated. But there were other things going on." 

"How is your dad your favorite if he cheated?"

Jonah shrugged. "Jerry would say it's because I'm his favorite, or that he bribed me." Jonah did not say that in the past year he'd really come to understand why someone might ignore that someone else was married. Or at least the attraction part. "Also, Julian is Mom's favorite."

"Jerry and Jasper aren't anyone's favorite?"

"It's not like that, nobody's neglected," Jonah said. 

"I guess you really can put up with a little ribbing if your older brothers were that much older than you. I bet they thought you were completely annoying," Amy said. 

Jonah nodded. His mother had checked a bag, so she texted him to wait there. Jonah was looking forward to it and not looking forward to it, a basic state of ambivalence. He loved his mom but he felt like a failure and he thought feeling like a failure for finding his own path and being happy was wrong and he didn't need to buy into that Baby Boomer idea of happiness. He tried to smile. 

"Does your stomach hurt?" Amy nudged him with her hip. "You look like your stomach hurts."

"Thanks," Jonah said. 

His mother came into view. She smiled when she saw him, which was nice. She even hugged him which made him embarrassingly emotional. The last time someone hugged him was probably when Amy kissed him. That was much more sexual of a memory so he let go of his mother immediately. 

He introduced Amy as his friend and grabbed his mother's bag off the carousel. He knew it was hers because it was the latest Tumi. Amy said, "Is that monogrammed, Mrs. Simms?"

"Mrs. Rosenberg," Jonah's mom said, her voice crisp. 

"Sorry," Amy said. "I'm divorced, too. I'm going back to my maiden name, I think."

"Mr. Rosenberg is my stepfather," Jonah said. 

"George is doing fine, by the way," Jonah's mom said. 

His mother was staying at the Marriott St. Louis Grand in an executive suite, of course. She said, "You can stay with me until we find you your new place."

Amy came upstairs to see the room and then volunteered to go home and pack up Jonah's stuff. "It'll all fit in a box," she said.

Jonah's mom said, "Do you need money for Uber?" 

"Nah, I'm good," Amy said.

"When you come back, we can all get dinner," Jonah's mom said. 

After Amy left, Jonah said, "She's not my girlfriend."

"You two seem close, though," Jonah's mom said. "You shouldn't date someone who's just now getting a divorce, though. Even if you were dating her before the divorce."

"I wasn't, I'm not dating Amy, I haven't dated Amy. I don't want to talk about Amy," Jonah said. 

They had a nice dinner with Amy and then Jonah was ready for bed. Being with his mother was exhausting. He felt like he was always performing. He didn't want her talking about one of his funks again. It was ridiculous. She should just say he was having a depressive episode, how hard was that? 

In the morning, she had already set up a schedule for the two of them. Shopping, viewing apartments, meeting with a realtor. He was genuinely surprised she hadn't added interviews for new jobs. She liked to take things over. Maybe that was another reason his dad was his favorite. Jonah disliked being taken over. He didn't mind taking direction, he didn't really think he was a leader but he did think he was a good second in command. He was great at that. His mom didn't really let him be part of the leadership structure. 

But he went to the store with her and let her buy him an entire wardrobe. She insisted he needed three nice suits. "I can't wear them to work," he said. 

"You never have a formal occasion? You're not going to services for High Holy Days? When did you last wear a suit?"

"Uh, my friend Cheyenne's wedding. My girlfriend at the time did say it was very nice," Jonah said. 

"You had a girlfriend? What happened?"

Jonah shrugged. He was in love with Amy, that's what happened. He said, "She thought I was moving too fast." 

His mother frowned at him. He said, "Can we not dissect this? Let's get the suits, you convinced me."

They looked at four apartments, his mother made him apply at three. He refused to do so at the fourth. "My commute to the store would be insane, come on."

"You could get another job, you have a degree from Vassar," his mother said. 

"I like the job I have," Jonah said. 

She shook her head. 

He sat on the couch after his mother went to bed and called Amy. "You only gave me one set of resistance bands, I see. I know you're going to like working out with them."

"Emma wanted them," Amy said. "So, you got a place yet?"

"Probably," Jonah said. "Wait until you see my new wardrobe."

"Are you getting luxurious furniture?" He could almost hear Amy's smile.

"I think we're going to IKEA, IKEA is acceptable."

He got into one of the apartments and moved in two days later. His mother took him furniture shopping and upgraded his phone, bought him a new tablet, too. He took all of it, it was like school shopping all over again. He wondered if he should be above that, all the materialism and things. He loved things, though.

He drove her to the airport and at the airport she handed him a new credit card. "It's a debit card," she said. "I'll see every purchase. Just for expenses, you can use your salary at Cloud 9 to make some progress on on all those bills if you use this for food, etc. I'll pay your rent for six months, after that it's on you."

"Thank you," he said. He hugged her again because he missed hugging people and he loved her. 

She smiled tightly. "I'll invite you home for Passover this year, I won't assume you already have somewhere to go."

"Thanks, I'll come," he said. "Give my love to George."

She patted his cheek. He forgot she was in her 60s until moments like this when he could see her age and he got so frightened of losing her. "I love you," he said. "Thanks again for all this."

"I'm your mother and I can afford it," she said. "I love you, too, baby boy." 

That nickname always made him wince but he covered it as she left.

!!

Amy drove over to Jonah's new place as soon as his mother left. It looked very staged, like a house on sale. "There's nothing personal here," she said. 

"Well, yeah, I need art, and my own books and personal pictures, I guess. Maybe a plant?"

"Also, in general, actually living in a place always helps. You're sure to spill something, especially since it's you," Amy said. She opened the refrigerator. That looked like Jonah. 

"We should find a farmer's market. Or folk art festival," Jonah said, sounding gleeful. 

"You're such a dork," Amy said. She went with him on his art and plant and blanket hunt. 

"I like vintage art, but not, like, racist art," Jonah said. "Which is tough, I guess."

"Not that hard," Amy said. She guided him to a different section of the store. "Maybe go more contemporary."

"I have some pictures on my phone I can print and frame, too," Jonah said. 

Amy enjoyed shopping for someone else. It was a fundamental character flaw, she thought. She was starting a new chapter in her life. So she was determined to buy something for herself or have Jonah pay for it. 

They spent all day going from store to store all over St. Louis. Jonah got two plants and a quilt, Amy couldn't really find anything for herself. "I promised myself I would shop for me," she said as Jonah drove back to his apartment. 

"You mention that now? Okay, we have plans for tomorrow. Or the next day Emma isn't with you, I know you stay home when Emma is there," Jonah said.

"I could bring her," Amy said. 

"Sure, okay, that sounds great," Jonah said. 

Amy said, "Eh, let's not, she's being a real brat lately. Please don't tell anyone I said that. I love spending time with her, but also sometimes it makes me want to kill her."

"Teenagers," Jonah said. "I think I was pretty insufferable."

"I'm sure you were," Amy said. She smiled at him, she knew he was trying to distract and cheer her up. "God, let's go get drunk. I mean, are you up for that?"

"I am, of course," Jonah said. "I do not have a ton of liquor in my apartment yet."

"How much do you usually have?"

"I had some before the tornado. I was, I studied to be a bartender for a little while. A week. Not in a real school," Jonah said. 

"When did you do that?"

"During spring break when I was in college," Jonah said. "It's not a great story."

"Short version: you were drunk," Amy said.

"Ha, wrong. Short version: I was really high. I mean, it was some amazing weed," Jonah said. "I was pretty stoned for at least a month in my junior year. I got all As on my essays, though."

Amy tried to ignore just how many things Jonah had, like the ability to buy tons of high quality weed like it was nothing. And go to college. "Wait, did you go to Vassar? Isn't that a girls college?"

"They also accept men," Jonah said. 

"Let's get some booze," Amy said. 

They got drunk and watched weird Netflix Danish series on Jonah's couch. Amy got drunk, Jonah was just pleasantly buzzed. "Why don't you ever get drunk? I'm always way more drunk than you."

He patted her knee. She was wearing shorts so his cold hand was right on her knee and it was super hot. He said, "I drink less." 

"But you still drink, right?"

"I do still drink," he said. He kissed her cheek. "See? Total drunk move."

"Cheek kissing is your drunken excess," she said. "That's so sad."

"I know," he said. "But I was worried about kissing kissing because we haven't even talked about that one time."

"What is there to talk about? We kissed. The end."

"But it's not really the end," he said. "You kissed me first."

"You called me sexy first," she said. "That was an act of aggression."

"That was not an act of aggression. Maybe if we'd been at work. We were talking and I just stated the facts," Jonah said. 

Amy smiled up at him. "That's very sweet of you to say. But you still, you made the first declaration. I knew you liked me."

"I'm attracted to you, yes. I mean, obviously. It's obvious to everyone," Jonah said.

Amy felt weird. She wasn't sure where this conversation was going. She had no idea what to do with at information, she was married. She had been married. Up until five weeks ago, she had been married and trying to make it work. 

She said, "I didn't know. And I wasn't attracted to you. I mean, I didn't think I was."

"Thanks," Jonah said. 

"No, I mean, sure I was. I was attracted to you in the abstract." She repeated the word because it made her lips feel weird. "Abstract. Not going to act on. Even when I was drunk. Even then." She tapped his chest. "So I kissed you. You know, no longer abstract. Because I was going to die. Because Adam and I had already sort of decided to separate? Even though we did it again the next day. So whatever, we're both attracted to each other. Whatever."

"Whatever," Jonah said. His expression was a little shell shocked. 

Amy concentrated on his eyebrows, they were very nicely shaped. She moved and sat on his lap. He was wearing shorts, too, and her thighs pushed up his shorts and they were touching. Like, thigh to thigh. She put her hands on his chest. She said, "On the other hand, I haven't had sex in eight months. That's just wrong. I've never not had sex for eight months. Not since I started having sex."

"Right," Jonah said. "You're sitting on my lap. That's fun."

"When's the last time you had sex?" She took his hands and put them on her breasts. He didn't really do anything until she started moving his hands for him.

Jonah squeaked. He said, "Six hours before Cheyenne's wedding."

"Kristin, wow," Amy said. "Weren't you, like, ever, oh, that's Glenn when you looked at her?"

"No," he said, his hands still. "She looks nothing like Glenn. She's a foster daughter, remember?"

"He changed her diapers," Amy said.

"No, he didn't. She didn't end up at Glenn's until she was ten. He's never seen her naked," Jonah said.

"Oh," Amy said. "Good point. Good point. Do you not wanna do this do now?"

"This conversation hasn't put me in a sexual place, no, not like talking about diapers and Glenn," Jonah said. 

"Oh, God, that's a good point," Amy said. She got off his lap. "Let's worry about this in the morning. Can I sleep in your bed?"

"O-okay," Jonah said. "Right now?"

Amy nodded. Then she got up and went to the bathroom. After she threw up and washed her face and used some of Jonah's "all-natural" "organic" mouthwash, she went into the bedroom. Jonah had already put his new quilt on the bed, over the plain blue sheets and comforter. It looked good, she thought. 

"I think so, too," Jonah said. He came in behind her and she nearly jumped. "Sorry. I just wanted to get a pillow. Trying out sleeping on the couch."

"No, you should sleep here with me," Amy said. "A little nap and we'll both have cleansed ourselves of all those bad images I will not name."

Jonah rubbed his forehead. "Are you sure?"

"Of course not," Amy said. "God, Jonah, I've been separated for not even two months, I am insane. Like crazy insane. Not mentally ill, so I shouldn't say crazy insane, but I mean, my life is flipped right over upside down."

"Is that from Fresh Prince?" 

"Probably," Amy said. She took off her shirt and her shorts. "The point is I hate that I haven't had sex in eight months and I want to have sex with you. So,whatever, we should do that, and I'll deal with it later. Or we'll deal with it later."

"I, okay," Jonah said. He seemed mesmerized by her breasts and her general nearly naked body. Hopefully he wasn't thinking how long it had clearly been since Amy got her parts waxed. She hadn't had sex in eight months, she'd already told him that. 

"Okay," Jonah said. "That works for me." He took off his shirt and shorts. He wasn't wearing underwear. 

"Do you wax?"

"Um, not recently. Been taking care of that myself," he said. He got in the bed quickly. "Do you want me to put on underwear?"

"No," she said. "Nope." She took off her bra and underwear. "Wait, do you have a condom?"

"Yes," Jonah said. "My mom bought them. Sorry, that's odd. But it's true. They're in the bathroom."

"Okay," Amy said. She went back into the bathroom and got one and then went back into the bedroom. Jonah was already asleep so she put the condom on the little table on her side. 

!!

Amy, it turned out, snored. Jonah woke up and watched her breathing. Loudly breathing. He was really tempted to lift up the covers and peek. He remembered Amy naked from that brief glance before he fell asleep but he felt like this would be an even better up close angle. 

Then he really had to pee so he went to the bathroom, brushed his teeth and got back in bed. Amy had stopped snoring. She opened her eyes and smiled at him. "I'm feeling good," she said. "You feeling good?"

"Sure," he said. 

She threw the covers down and grinned. She reached for him and kissed him, this time with even more tongue. He could kiss her forever, especially when the walls weren't falling around them and she was also naked. He reached for her breasts, and cupped them, they were so wonderfully soft and as soon as he started moving his hands, she moaned a little. She stopped kissing him and said, "Eight months is way too long."

"You really never went that long before?"

She was smiling as she reached for his dick. Her hand felt warm and a little tentative. She said, "Really hadn't. And I love sex."

"Me, too," he said. "Sex is awesome." 

She laughed. "Wait, um, what do you like? Do you want me to call you names or something? I don't like that. I am not your bitch and I will not be calling you Daddy."

"I don't want to do that," Jonah said. "Please never call me that."

"Bitch?" She was rubbing up against him. He grabbed her ass with one hand. 

"Don't call me Daddy, either," he said. "Um, I guess I like, I dunno, what do you like?"

"You like being told what to do," Amy said. She had gotten a lot less tentative with his dick. Then she slapped his butt with her other hand. He could admit he liked that. "And you like being spanked, of course."

"Lots of people do," he said, swallowing. He kissed her again, pulling her on top of him. 

She sat up, her thighs spread on his. She didn't let go of his dick. "I think it's condom time."

"Are you ready?" He reached between her legs and she was wet. "Maybe not quite ready." He kept touching her and watching her face and the pulse in her thighs until she was even wetter. 

She put the condom on and said, "I should ride you hard and raw, right?"

"Not raw," he said. "Condom, condom means it's not raw."

"So just ride you hard?" Amy grinned and lowered herself onto him. She grunted and felt amazing and so tight around his dick. She leaned down and scratched his chest. Her elbows were hard on his chest and damn, she was so beautiful. 

"Fuck," he said, because it was so great. It was so incredible. Otherworldly incredible. He really tried to match her with every stroke because she was not joking about riding hard and he didn't want to come first. He held on to her thighs and completely failed in not coming first but he so didn't care at all. 

She stayed on top grinding on him until she came which was definitely a wonder to behold. He was burning that in his memory forever. She started to shift off him and he said, "Wait, wait, condom safety."

"That's so sexy," she said. He took care of that and they spent probably too much time cleaning up and getting rid of the condom. 

But then they were back in bed and he pulled her close. He said, "Are you going to freak out in the morning?"

"Probably," she said. "Wow, you bruise easily."

"I know, I'm very pale."

She murmured something and he fell asleep.

!!

Amy didn't freak out in the morning. Jonah said, "So we do that again in, what, seven and a half months?"

She said, "Maybe. Maybe we do it again tomorrow. I don't know. Let's play it fast and loose and non-exclusive." She was so cool. 

She also blurted out, "Hey, have you ever done anal? I think that's on my list to try."

Jonah nodded and said. "Um, I have. I'd be happy to help you cross that off your list. But, have you been watching a lot of porn, because it's not, I mean, for women, it's more of a mixed bag, different strokes. Like that."

"Did you really say different strokes?" She grinned. "Well, let's do it tomorrow and I'll figure out if I like it. I am going to make a list. Figure out if I like anal. Figure out if I actually enjoy porn. Maybe buy a really good vibrator. Maybe I want to date women." She was walking naked to Jonah's kitchen. She was feeling good.

"Dating apps are good for that," he said. "Figuring out if you want to date women, I mean. You can set your preferences."

"Yeah, I know," Amy said. She looked at his french press. "You have to do this french press part, I don't get it."

"Okay," he said. He really did bruise easily, she could see every mark she'd put on him. It was pretty hot. 

She showered and put on her clothes from the day before. She sat at Jonah's tiny table in the kitchen and he made her coffee and eggs and vegan bacon that wasn't horrible. "I don't do pork, but I do eat, like, shrimp and shellfish so clearly I'm not kosher at all."

"Clearly," she said. 

"Do you really want to come over tomorrow and have anal sex?"

Amy considered. "Yes, I do. I think Adam wanted to do it, but he didn't want to ask, he wanted me to volunteer or something and then I was just being a stubborn asshole. I would get my back up and just be like, you want that? You ask for it or you never get it. But I understand why it would be tough to ask. So now I do want to do it. Then on Saturday, could I fuck you? We'll really anal it up."

Jonah nodded and then shook his head. He said, "Sure. Sure. Sounds great. Um, should I buy the strap on or were you going to do that?"

"Oh, good point. Are they expensive?"

"I don't mean to sound too materialistic, but I would prefer the fake dick you put up my ass not be the cheapest model you can find," Jonah said. 

"I forgive you," Amy said. "Maybe you can buy it? You're taking this in a very calm manner. Have you done this before?"

He grimaced. Finally, Jonah said, "Yes. Actual dick. I've had sex with men. More than one. Please don't tell anyone."

"You don't have to be embarrassed --"

"I'm not embarrassed, I'm just really really closeted. About that part of my life. That and my mental health. So, okay, technically, I'm embarrassed. I'm always very open about my sexual history, like, I've never had an STD and I care a lot about contraception, making sure it's an equal burden where that applies," Jonah said. 

"Got it," Amy said. "Thank you. You haven't had sex with any guys while you were living here, right? Or have you?"

"Have not," Jonah said. "I did when I was in business school. My first year when I was doing well. He was also super closeted so we were a great match."

"That's a fun story," Amy said. She would do anything to somehow make him less anxious, which seemed impossible. "It's okay, Jonah, I don't need to know more. We're great. So not tonight, tomorrow night, I'll come over and you can fuck me in the ass."

"Sounds great," Jonah said. 

"Thanks for breakfast," she said. "I want to get in clothes that aren't from yesterday so I'm going home now and then when Emma gets home, we're going to watch a movie. So. Tomorrow night!" She kissed his cheek as she left. 

He sent her a text to let her know he ordered "supplies." She called him while she waited for Emma. "So you ordered them? Does that mean we'll have them in time?"

"Oh, I already have everything for tomorrow night. I was ordering for Saturday. And it'll be fine, there's this thing called UPS."

"Right, okay," she said. 

She was good, she was cool, she had it going on. She was excited. She had a voice in her head that sounded like Garrett's telling her she was nuts. 

She decided to call Garrett. "How are you doing?"

"I'm doing great, had to shuffle some things to make it work money-wise, otherwise I'm good," Garrett said. "How are you? Why are you calling?"

"I'm fine, I'm good," Amy said. "I was checking on you, you know, how are you? And you're fine. That's good."

Garrett said, "Anything else you wanted to talk about?"

"No," Amy said. "No. Did you know the tornado leveled Jonah's apartment? Apparently he spent a lot on the furniture."

"Yes, I know, I told you. I didn't know that about the furniture, tell me more about how Jonah's doing," Garrett said.

"Well, he was living in a FEMA trailer but his mom came to visit and now he has a new place," Amy said. "He lost everything he owned."

"You're having sex with him now?"

"No, no, we're just hanging out, you know, just chilling. Also, I'm getting a divorce."

"Good for you," Garrett said. "Is he good in bed?"

"Whatever," Amy said. "Why do you care? Do you want to have sex with him?"

"I dunno, you didn't say if he was good in bed," Garrett said. "I'd have to slot him in around Dina though she's been pretty scarce this month."

"I've only been divorced five, seven weeks," she said. "I'm not actually divorced yet, but he's moved out and we filed for it. So you think I'm crazy for chilling with Jonah?"

"I don't judge," Garrett said. "I wouldn't judge you for that."

"But you judged me for other things?"

"I find your shoes very boring," Garrett said.

Amy said, "Okay, good. Good to know. I'm glad you're good. Tell Dina she can call me, if she wants. I'd call her myself, but I honestly don't have her number, does she change it?" 

"Once a month, she says it's security. I don't know why," Garrett said. "Give Jonah my love."

Then it was anal night, as she was thinking of it. She went over after dinner with Emma and dropping Emma off with Adam. Jonah smiled widely when he let her in, he looked manic. She said, "Shouldn't I be more nervous?"

"I'm not nervous. I'm anxious about making it good for you." 

She'd done a bunch of reading, so she was prepared. Had made herself ready. You can do it, she thought, like she was a cheerleader for herself. She'd never been a cheerleader. 

"Okay, let's get to it," Amy said. She went into the bedroom and took off her clothes. "Let's do it."

"Okay, no waiting," Jonah said. "You know, you don't have to do this, you can back off at anytime and I'm fine, no judgment."

"I know," Amy said. She patted his chest. "I want to do this specifically with you. Because you say crap like that."

"It's not crap," Jonah said. He took off his clothes, too. Most of the bruises had faded. He looked great, though. 

She noticed the towels on the bed. "You are all prepared," she said. 

"I thought we could make out," Jonah said. "You can get relaxed."

"Great," she said. She pulled him on top of her and they were making out. Then he pushed himself up and she noticed his nicely defined biceps. Resistance bands, she thought. 

He said, "I want to go down on you, is that okay?"

"Jesus, that's great," she said. "That is so fucking okay."

He was so good at that, she was so turned on. "Oh, God, is this because you talk so much? You should talk more, please talk more, fuck."

Also he had very soft skin, his cheeks against her thighs felt great. He started using his fingers and she came fucking herself on them and trying to pull his face into her vagina. It was so good. 

Then he was cleaning his hands and face and he gently rolled her over. "Okay, the secret is lube."

"I know, I did the reading," she said. 

She wiggled her butt. He moved slowly with his fingers with occasional breaks to keep her hot by touching her vagina with his other hand. He was very careful about that. He made sure she knew and then she made sure he stopped talking about it because she'd done the reading. 

It still hurt when he finally got to putting his dick in her ass. But then there was even more lube and she started to like it, feeling that full and she was even pushing back a little. "I think I like it," she said. It helped that Jonah seemed to be enjoying it, too. He definitely got off on it. She was turned on by how turned on he was, and that he kept thinking about her, his hand straying down to her vagina, keeping her wet and on the edge.

He grabbed her hips and pulled her towards him again and again and she could feel when he came. He let go of her hips and rubbed her back before pulling out. It felt weird, but not bad, now that he was done. 

They both used the bathroom which was interesting for Amy, she decided it was interesting. Then they laid on the bed both on their backs. She said, "I liked it. I could do it again. I would do it again."

"That's good," Jonah said. "I enjoy it, as an occasional thing. If I'm having sex and there's a vagina, that's where I want my penis to be."

"I love the way you talk," Amy said, smirking. She kissed his cheek and pulled the covers up over them both. 

!!

Jonah had been trying to leave his apartment at least once a day. Otherwise, he was pretty sure he'd be in another depressive "funk." Not that he wasn't. When Amy wasn't around, he mostly did nothing. 

But once a day he walked out the door and went to get coffee or drove to buy food, or browsed at antique shops or poster stores. When he was home, he'd obsessively check Etsy and Ebay for things to hang on the wall. So far he only had a tablecloth, a throw rug by the door, a shower curtain with a map of the world on it. He also had both his plants repotted with miracle gro soil from Amazon. He watched a youtube tutorial and built a little shelf on his window so the plants had enough space. He replaced the plastic blinds with bamboo ones for all three windows. 

Amy didn't really comment on the changes when she came over for her first anal adventure. She did say something when she came over for her night of pegging. "I like the new blinds," she said. 

"I ordered a painting, and a sculpture and a movie poster. They should come next week or so," he said. "Did you want to see? Or do you want to get right to the sex."

"I'll see them when they arrive," she said. "Let's get to it!" 

They both stripped and he showed her how to get the strap-on on. He said, "I'm keeping it, um, to be clear." He'd thought about giving it to her but then he pictured her using it on other men and he hated that idea. He pictured her using it when she was dating women and that was hot, but it was an embarrassing hot, like, he felt programmed to find lesbians hot when it wasn't performative. They wouldn't be doing it for him. 

He'd paid a bunch of money for the strap on, too. She said, "That makes sense." She shifted her hips. "Feels weird."

"Feels weird to have a penis or feels weird wearing it? Should I tighten something? Or loosen it?"

"No, it's fine, it's kinda hot," she said. "Get on that bed, mister."

He got on the bed, lying on his stomach. She lifted his hips and started working on his butt and penis. Working on was the wrong word, it didn't feel like labor, it felt erotic and sensational. Full of sensation. She got him ready and waiting pretty quickly, but he had spent most of the day anticipating it, and picturing her wearing the strap on. 

He felt the tip of the dildo pressing into him. She said, "You ready?"

"Are you loving this?" He pushed back and she started pushing the dildo in, slowly. 

She said, "I like this." He looked over his shoulder at her intent face and her breasts, glistening with sweat. She pushed further in and moved again and right there, that was the magic spot. 

She said, "Ah, that was right." She sounded pleased and he was pulling at his own dick. 

"More," he said. She started thrusting back and forth and he could feel her hips shifting, the dildo hitting that spot over and over again. He came in his hand and all over the towel he was laying on. 

"Good, good," she said. She kept up the rhythm and when he looked again, he could see she had one hand at her vagina, under the strap that went between her legs. It was fucking hot. She grunted and pushed into him steadily. 

Then she slowly pulled out and sat back on her heels. She ran her hands down the back of his thighs. He was pretty sure he was a mess of sweat and lube and cum. She said, "You look really hot."

"Thanks," he said, rolling over. "You like that strap on, huh?"

"I really do," she said, touching the fake penis at its base. "You have to help me take it off."

They got cleaned up and he put the towel in the laundry basket. Then he laid back down on the bed. "So, other things you want to try?"

Amy said, "Fisting. But not right away. I think we could just have sex, you know, bring out the toys and anal occasionally."

"So we're going to sex on a regular basis?" He could do that. It would be hard if she were dating other people, but he would try. He was judging himself as pathetic, but it was Amy. 

"Maybe," Amy said. "I do want to date other people, though. Not because I'm not attracted to you or that I don't like you, but I don't want to be tied down."

"Okay, sure," Jonah said. 

!!

Amy tried not to have sex with Jonah on a regular basis before the store reopened but she was very bad at it. When Emma was with Adam, she could either sit around the house alone or she could go over to Jonah's. Some nights she did just sit around the house. This was her new life, she actually had alone in the house time. She sat with that, literally, trying to figure out how she felt about it. 

A lot of nights, though, she was at Jonah's. They would have coffee or beer, eat or not eat. They would have sex, usually it was good old penis in vagina. She said to Jonah, "Honestly, up until two years ago, Adam and I had great sex. Then it was like every two weeks, once a month, once every weeks. I felt like I was never home. So maybe that was my fault."

"It sounds like it started when you started taking those college courses. Which you should do more of," Jonah said. 

They were both naked, they'd just had sex. He'd fucked her vagina and worked a few fingers into her ass. She'd actually really liked that. She was learning a lot about herself. She said, "Yeah, maybe I wanted too much."

"You didn't want too much," Jonah said. He was so earnest. "You were both growing and you took the step to keep growing."

"You make me sound so noble," Amy said. "This is a weird time to talk about this."

"Yes," Jonah said. "Can we walk about Adam less? Or never?"

"Sure," she said. She rolled on her side and snuggled up to him. "Sorry."

"No, I'm sorry, I don't want to silence you. Not that I could."

One day she noticed he had some more things framed on the wall. "Did you buy stuff?"

"No," Jonah said. "Well, yeah. But most of the new stuff is from my family. Mom told Julian, Julian told everyone else."

"And then they all called and said why didn't you tell anyone, Jonah?" She was looking at a picture of what she assumed was the entire Simms family in the mid 1980s. 

"No, they know me," Jonah said. "They didn't really ask. Julian was clearly trying to get points on his credit card since he basically cleaned out the Vassar gift shop. I have a lot of shirts and sweatpants and baseball hats."

"Shirts that you should wear since I assume the Vassar colors aren't plaid," Amy said. 

Jonah smiled. "My dad sent a lot of blurays, you know, replacement stuff. And a bluray player. Jerry sent plates and pots and another french press since, as I saw reading Facebook, his wife replaced all of theirs."

"And this?"

Jonah had a genuine smile. Even peaceful for once. He said, "Jasper sent it. It's from my bris." Jonah pointed to an older man in the back. "That's my great grandfather. He was a kid and a Christian couple hid him in Odessa during the pogroms in Russia. He came to the US, he had children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Like me. He got to the US and saw my mom and her sisters born, saw all her kids born. I love this picture. Look at all of us. They couldn't stop us." 

Amy really wanted to kiss him just then. Instead she said, "That's beautiful."

"I know the fashion isn't. My mother really thought that scarf should be worn in public," Jonah said. 

It was getting closer to the store reopening. She was nervous everyone would see she and Jonah were sleeping together and think she'd cheated on Adam. She didn't want anyone to think that. She was thinking it, a little. She'd wanted Jonah a lot. Amy hoped she hadn't been as embarrassing as Dina had been back in the day. Ugh, Jonah was the one who was usually embarrassed. 

She drove in alone for the first day. She saw Jonah while Glenn talked about God and Allah, but then she moved on and away from him. Still, Dina forced them into those damn Minion costumes. In the car, he said, "You've been avoiding me."

"Yeah, I'm an asshole," Amy said. "I mean, I'm joking, but I'm an asshole. I don't want anyone to see we've been together, I don't want people thinking I had an affair."

"But you're not embarrassed to be seen with me?"

"Not really," Amy said. "I'm embarrassed about me being a slut. With you."

"That's awesome," Jonah said. "That's good to hear."

She leaned over and kissed his cheek. "I'm awful, but you're great."

"You're not awful," Jonah said. 

The next day was a little better. The more time away from Jonah and Amy, sex fun time people, the better she felt they were doing at being cool at work. 

The store had been open a whole week before she completely caved and went home with Jonah. He had a lot of craft beer and they drank a little but that was somehow enough for them to get carried away. Amy felt carried away. Jonah got her pants off and her underwear followed and then he was between her legs and she never wanted him to ever stop going down on her, even after she came. She said, "Is this going to stain on your pretty couch?"

"You're sitting on your vest," Jonah said. 

"Okay, ugh. Do I now have blue butt?"

Jonah lifted her hips, his fingers digging into her butt. He said, "No color transfer."

"You must be hard," Amy said. "Come and fuck me. Or fuck me and come."

"As long as you want it," Jonah said. He pulled her onto his lap. She watched him put on the condom and then the two of them shifted and lifted and finally he was in her. Jonah had a nice penis. Not a break you in half penis, or below average, but enough above average to be fun. 

She clung to his back and shoulders. She said, "Whenever I watch porn, I'm like, jeez, that guy's dick is too big. Not like you."

"You know how to talk sexy," Jonah said. 

"No, you're above average, you are. In my experience and penises I've seen," she said. 

Jonah came and she shifted to get pressure on her clit so she could come again. Jonah reached down to help her along and she scratched up his whole back as she came again.

"I can't take off my shirt off at work now," Jonah said.

"You shouldn't take your shirt off at work," Amy said. "There's no need to change at work."

"What if I spill something on myself?"

"Nope, keep your shirt on," Amy said. She bit the front of his shoulder. She didn't break the skin but she admired how the marks stood out. 

"Okay, stop that," Jonah said.

"Is that you getting hard again?" 

"We all have those things we like," Jonah said. "Tell me what you like, and I'll do it."

"I don't know," Amy said. 

She slept over, too. Another thing she hadn't intended to do. 

!!

"Hey," Garrett said, after Brett's funeral gathering. "You hitting that?" He tilted his head towards Amy. 

"That is a human being, and I'm not hitting anyone," Jonah said.

Garrett rolled his eyes. "Are you and that human being having sexual relations that are completely consensual?"

"Sometimes," Jonah said. "I dunno, it's weird. She just split from her husband. We're totally not exclusive, like you and Dina."

"You two are nothing like me and Dina," Garrett said. "I'm much cooler than you, and Dina has amazing tits and birds."

"The birds are amazing?"

"No," Garrett said. "They're not. I've only met the full group once but it was more than enough for me."

"How many birds is it?"

"The number varies, I think," Garrett said. 

Then Dina freaked out and made them all get in the storm shelter. Jonah worked the rest of the day and went home. He felt like he needed about 20 hours of sleep and he was only going to get 6 hours at best. 

At midnight, or sometime later, someone was knocking at his door. Jonah went to the door and stood behind it when he opened it. It was, to his complete non-surprise, Amy. "Hey," she said.

"Come in," Jonah said, opening the door. 

Amy came in and he closed the door. He started heading back to his bed. "Jonah, those are barely wearable," she said.

He knew she meant the underwear, it was his tornado underwear and he didn't know why they were basically falling apart. He didn't need them anymore so he took them off and threw them away in the trash can in the kitchen. 

He kept moving to the bedroom, he wanted his bed so bad. 

Amy said, "I'm glad you're so comfortable being naked around me."

"You're naked in front of me all the time," he said. 

"And under you, and on top of you," Amy said. She was following him into the bedroom. He would bet she was already nearly naked. He refused to look over his shoulder. 

He got under the covers and held them up for Amy. She got in next to him. She was already naked. He reached out to cup her breast, kiss her nipple. "That was me saying good night," Jonah said. "I'm exhausted."

"Got it," she said. 

He woke up again at 4 am to his alarm going off. He sat up and turned it off. Amy was glaring at him. "I have work," he said. 

"I spent half the night in the shelter listening to Dina. Her life story," Amy said. "I was hoping I could have sex and forget about some of it."

"I have about half an hour," Jonah said. "Just let me pee and brush my teeth."

"You're romancing the crap out of me," Amy said. 

She pulled off the quilt, blanket and sheet as she got back in bed. She straddled his hips and rubbed his half hard dick. She said, "How do you feel about 69ing?"

"More work and contortion than the payoff," Jonah said. Amy looked disappointed. "Maybe I was just doing it wrong."

"I never really did it when I was married," Amy said. "Obviously."

Jonah thought about the height difference between Amy and Adam. He said, "Sure, bring that vagina over here."

"So much romance," Amy said. 

She was half squatting over him and even though Jonah was just average in height he still had to lift his hips like a pilates stretch so Amy could get his dick in her mouth. He liked the feel of it, but it was only okay. He decided to concentrate on making Amy come, he loved that. He loved the smell of her, even the taste, and he loved that he could make her tremble and barely stay up and he loved making her come. She was loud, too. He held her thighs and kind of rolled her on her back. 

She rubbed her breasts absently. She said, "You didn't like the blowjob."

"It's not your strongest skill," Jonah said. 

"You could give me tips," she said. "Not today."

"No, today we have less time," he said. "Do you want to fuck?"

"Go ahead, put your dick in me. You deserve to get off," Amy said. She spread her legs. 

He was completely hard by then and once he got the condom on, he was on top of her and thrusting into her in one movement. 

She pulled at his arms and looked up at him, sleepy. She said, "You like being on top?"

"Sometimes," he said. He loved it that morning. Amy was tight and matching him with every thrust. "Fuck, Amy."

She laughed a little and he came, a really great great way to start that day. He laid on top of her for a moment, kissing her neck and playing with her hair. She had great hair. She said, "You should shower and get that condom off. You have work."

"Got it," he said. Once he was dressed and his coffee made, he came in the bedroom where Amy was already asleep. He pressed the spare key he'd made her into her hand.

Jonah's first act when he got to work was to sign on a dating app. Sign back on. Amy kept saying she needed to be free and she was going to start dating other people so he should do that, too. He wasn't enthused, really, but it was an important hoop to jump through. The hoop to happiness eventually. 

He even found himself a date. She seemed nice enough. She said, "Actually, I work at Cloud 9, too. I started two days ago?"

"Oh," Jonah said. "That's embarrassing for me. I'm sorry, there's a lot of employees, sorry, Kelly."

"It takes time to meet everyone," Kelly said. She was really pretty. She seemed very nice. 

"Absolutely," Jonah said.

"I bet you didn't meet everyone on your first day, either," Kelly said.

He smiled nervously and said, "Yeah." That was totally untrue. Maybe because he was a man. Maybe it was his white male privilege. 

"Did you sleep with her?" Jonah had pointed out Kelly to Garrett the next time he was in store.

"No," Jonah said. "I felt guilty."

"Because you didn't recognize her?"

"She said I was in with the cool crowd," Jonah said. 

"You should not date anyone who thinks there's a cool crowd at Cloud 9," Garrett said. 

He still said hi to her and made sure he was friendly and welcoming. 

Amy said, "I don't remember her first day either and I assigned all her shifts. I don't really notice people unless they've been here for at least two weeks. If they last two weeks, I'll remember their names."

"I haven't been here as long as you, I haven't adopted that attitude," Jonah said. 

"Plus, you're you and I'm me," Amy said. She looked around and then pulled Jonah into an even more private place. "Is this because I'm an awful person to you?"

"You're not an awful person to me, you're very straightforward. I mean, you're actually telling me what your expectations are and what I can expect," Jonah said. "Sure, I'm dating, but not exclusively because we're not exclusive."

"Right," Amy said. 

"Maybe we should just say we're not dating at all," Jonah said. "Like, occasional friends with benefits."

Amy nodded vigorously. "That's good. That's great. What are you doing tonight?"

"It's a benefit night, then?"

"You're assuming a lot," Amy said. "You're exactly right, but still."

!!

Amy was taking a pilates class. She was just trying it out, her sister had gotten her a gift certificate. She already got enough exercise at work, in her opinion. She'd told Jonah and he'd gone on about the reformer machine and all she could think of was that Snow song Informer. She kept hearing it in her head every time he said reformer. "ReFORM-UH dun dun dun whatever," on a loop in her head. 

The pilates class wasn't so bad. They were indeed using a reformer. It was harder than Amy had expected and she liked that she was so much in her body, it was like sex, she couldn't think because she was focused on her breathing and lifting her leg with the right amount of concentration. 

She did feel weird with all the other ladies and the one guy who was there. They had expensive workout clothes and socks that had plastic balls on the bottom. Amy had splurged at Cloud 9. Maybe no one was even looking at her. 

"Hey," one of the women said directly to Amy. "Come here often?"

Amy laughed. "No, not at all. My sister gave me a gift certificate. Was it that obvious?"

"No," the woman said. She looked down blushing. "Okay, embarrassing."

"Oh," Amy said. "Oh. Hey, no, um, do you want some coffee? Are we allowed to have coffee after this? I like lattes. We could have a latte. We could hang."

"Hi, my name is Lynlee," Lynlee said. "Coffee sounds great."

"I'm Amy," Amy said. 

It was great coffee and Lynlee had a great laugh. "And this is a date, right?" Amy said. "You were asking me out? I hope you were, because I want it to be."

"It totally is, was," Lynlee said. "I'm really bad at this. I just end up randomly asking all the straight girls out, but they're mostly super nice about it."

"This is my first date with a woman," Amy said. 

"You're doing great," Lynlee said. "Wanna make out in my car?"

"Yes," Amy said.

It was good making out. Lynlee had gorgeous breasts and she was great at kissing and Amy really liked kissing her. There was some definite heavy petting. Then Amy said, "I have to go home. Not personal, we should do this again. But I have to pick up my daughter. From school."

"I believe you," Lynlee said.

They had dinner the next day. "So yes, I work at Cloud 9. For basically my entire adult life," Amy said.

"I'm a career temp," Lynlee said. "You'd be surprised how much work you can find. But during the breaks between jobs, I get to go to pilates and sleep in and watch so so many Quincy reruns."

"Quincy? Wait, Quincy?"

"I love Quincy," Lynlee said. "He's a coroner. He solves crime. Also, I love Simon and Simon and Hart to Hart. Obviously I never watched them when they aired, I'm not old. I'm only thirty. But I love that 80s aesthetic."

"I know you're only thirty because no one over the age of 34 uses the word aesthetic," Amy said, laughing. 

They ended up at Lynlee's apartment, and Amy recognized where all the family pictures were from. Amy said, "Oh my god, are you Dominican? I'm Honduran. I was born here, but my family. You know."

"I am," Lynlee said. "Should we talk dirty in Spanish?"

"Maybe?" 

It was weird being naked at first, naked with another woman. But Lynlee was super hot and she looked at Amy like Amy was super hot. Amy had never gone down on another woman before but she knew the basic principles. She knew the first thing was to listen and Lynlee was very vocal. Amy discovered she liked it, the taste and using her tongue and even the smell. After Lynlee came, Amy sat up and laid down next to her. "You know what's funny? I just got told my blowjob skills are not there. I'm bad at it? Hopefully, I'm not bad at this, right?"

"You were great, sweetie," Lynlee said. 

It was lovely, long, languid sex. Amy loved it. She loved Lynlee's body, and her laugh and her strong thighs. "You do a lot of pilates?"

"Pilates is more core, the thighs are genetic."

"Good to know," Amy said. 

She told Jonah the next day. Not to be mean or tease, but she literally had no one else to tell. "Can I please tell you?"

"Of course," Jonah said. He had a pretty smile, even when he was obviously anxious.

So she talked about Lynlee and how it all felt easy. "Should it be easy? I thought this gay stuff was supposed to angsty and hard."

"Well, you're not telling Emma yet, so maybe wait on the angst," Jonah said. 

"Oh, God, you're right," Amy said. "And my parents."

"Well, you're not there yet. You just know someday maybe you will be telling them because maybe you'll meet someone you have way more than two dates with," Jonah said. 

"We have another date in a few days. Like, how does dating even work? Do we just hang out and have sex a lot and then we're girlfriends?" Amy crossed her arms over her chest. 

"It's up to you," Jonah said. "Dating is like dating. There's no handbook, it's just whatever."

"That's so helpful," Amy said. "You should have a podcast."

"I'm being serious," Jonah said. "No one knows what's going on, there are no rules except don't be asshole and always be honest. That's my impression."

"Maybe you're just bad at dating," Amy said.

"You may be right," Jonah said. 

But after a few dates, Lynlee sort of dumped her. "Can you be dumped if you're not seriously dating?"

"Oh, yes," Jonah said. "Disconnect, right? You're not ready to settle down, she does want to."

Amy said, "Basically."

"So what are your plans now?"

Amy said, "I was thinking a dating app? Which one do you think I could sign up on without anyone from the store finding me?"

"None," Jonah said. "But some work better than others."

"Do you have a suggestion?"

Jonah sighed. He looked at her and smiled. "Of course, I can help."

Amy frowned. "Nope, you won't. I'm clearly pushing the limit of the friends with benefit code. Or the good friends code. Or whatever we are."

Jonah looked relieved and anxious and upset. He said, "Look, I just think. Okay, I think you should date, you should get out there. And I think I should not date, like, I need some time to get my shit together. But I also want to be a good friend to you and I enjoy having sex with you. So I'm obviously torn."

"I hear you," Amy said. She crossed her arms and looked around. She said, "We should always still be friends. And I think your no dating idea is probably a good one. You had a bad summer. I don't know if either of us is doing so much better since the summer."

"You're doing great," Jonah said. He smiled. "Should we try to swear off the sex?"

Amy rubbed her forehead. "I feel like that wouldn't work very well?"

"Yeah," Jonah said. "We'll just try. And don't Yoda on me, there is no try, only do."

"Okay, I won't say that," Amy said. 

!!

Jonah was sitting in the break room, two weeks into his no dating pledge. He said, "I'm thinking of being more politically active."

"Yes, that's what this city needs," Garrett said.

"My uncle and my Papa Ed keep sending me these articles. Did you know Missouri is on Fodor's Don't Go list in 2018? NAACP says people should avoid coming here because of the police brutality and the cops getting away with it," Jonah said. 

"You uncle gets a lot of NAACP alerts?" Garrett sounded skeptical. 

"My aunt Lina immigrated from Ethiopia, they have four kids," Jonah said.

Mateo said, "What are you going to do? Volunteer to throw yourself at cops? You can't make a difference. What are you going to do?"

"Sit in the back and listen. Pay for coffee. Let other people tell me how I can be useful. I believe that can help, as an ally," Jonah said. 

"Okay," Garrett said. "Just don't talk about it a lot."

When he was home, he read a lot. He hadn't lived in Missouri long, but he knew the solution wasn't moving away, like his Aunt Lina suggested. If everyone who agreed with Lina and Jonah moved out of the state it would just be a state of Justines, Marcuses, Glenns, and Carols and that seemed like a really bad idea. 

Amy came over, slightly drunk. She said, "You're marching on the state capital, I hear."

"I'm not doing that," Jonah said. "I'm giving money. If there's a time to volunteer I will be right there."

Amy smiled at him. "Sure," Amy said. "I had a horrible date. Why are guys horrible?"

"I'm not horrible," Jonah said. 

"Are you really not all men-ing me?" 

"No, no," Jonah said. "Sorry."

She stripped naked and pulled him into the bed. "Take off your clothes, please," she said. 

"You're so polite," he said.

When he was naked, she pressed herself close to him. "I like the way we feel together," she said. "Also, you may not be horrible, but you're not a catch. You get depressed, you get really anxious, you have a lot of nightmares, especially lately, you critique my sexual skills. And you're only average height."

"I don't know how to respond to that," Jonah said. He mostly agreed. He said, "Though I don't think critiquing your sexual skills is a negative. I mean, good sex is about communication."

"Yeah, okay, I'll take that one off," Amy said. "Sorry for being a bitch. I was on a date with that guy and I've had too many dates and then I went to this restorative yoga and we were in these poses for, like, ten minutes, and all you could do was think. And I thought, why am I not dating Jonah? Partially it's just because I don't want to start dating seriously so soon after the divorce. But then I thought of all these reasons you were a bad choice."

"I'm glad? I don't disagree, you know. I'd definitely be, you know, the one who was lucky to get you," Jonah said. He was really sad all over again. He closed his eyes and saw the remains of his apartment spread on the street. Cracked dvds of Jules et Jim and Ernest Goes to Camp. He never admitted he had those. 

"I'm still good enough for sex, right?" Jonah squeezed her shoulder. 

"Well, I suck, too," Amy said. "Look how awful I just was to you." She sniffled and hugged his chest. 

!!

Since Amy had made Jonah feel like shit, in the morning she decided she should do something nice for him. First, she was going to stop sharing every single thought she had with him. It didn't help anything. It didn't help her find herself or whatever she was currently trying to achieve.

Then she spent twenty minutes playing with Jonah's three different tri-pods and selfie sticks to get a really juicy nude pic of herself. She looked super good, if she had to say so herself. Then she thought about how nudes spread on the internet and started picturing her picture with gross captions. Dina sent her emails like that. 

Luckily, Jonah had a photo printer. She slipped the photo under Jonah's pillow. Then she deleted the pictures off her phone and put away all of Jonah's photography equipment. He had a lot of that stuff. She wondered if she could find other naked pictures. She spent a few minutes looking but all she found was some arty landscapes out Jonah's window. He should take more nudes. Or any nudes. He had a great body. 

She went into the store even though it was her day off and she had sworn multiple times she would never do it. She found Jonah in the back and wondered who had assigned there. Dina could be so stupid, Jonah always worked best up front, forced to put on a good face for the customers. She said, "You should be on register, the line's too long."

"Do you get to do that when you're not working?"

"No," Amy said. "Sometimes I can't turn it off. I realized last night we were sort of doing a plot from Friends minus the pro part of the list. So I wanted to come by --"

"I'm just a waitress?" Jonah smiled. "It's okay, I know."

"Just because I say negative things about you that you agree with because you're insecure doesn't make it right," Amy said. "I mean, what kind of catch I am? I'm making up lists because I feel like crap. I shouldn't be using you this way."

"Seriously, Amy, we're good. We should interact like friends at the very least. Hey, good to see you." And there was the pretty smile. 

She went home, because she had Emma. Jonah sent her an emoji laden text that she assumed was a thank you for the picture. She replied he should do one himself. 

She went on dates, sometimes even two or three in a row. She had sex and she didn't laugh at jokes that weren't funny because she didn't have to. 

She was still at Jonah's once a week. He was the only one she'd let fuck her in the butt. 

Amy was sitting with Emma one night, after dinner, watching some movie Amy was barely listening to. Amy said, "You know, your dad and I have been dating a lot."

"He's dated a few people but now he's with that woman."

"That woman has a name," Amy said. "She's perfectly nice." Amy always called her that skank when she was with Dina and Cheyenne but she tried to be a good parent. "If I get serious with someone would you call him that man?"

"I dunno, I guess it depends on who he is," Emma said. 

"What if it were Jonah?" Amy supposed it made sense that the first person she could admit it to was Emma. 

Emma played with the case on her phone. "Did you date Jonah before?"

"Never once while I was married," Amy said. One kiss the day before didn't count. "We've been good friends, but I never cheated on your dad."

"Okay," Emma said. "I get it. I believe you. But you would date him now?"

"Maybe. I've been thinking about it," Amy said. "Then he'd be around again."

"He's so awkward," Emma said.

"I know, I don't know why but I like it," Amy said. 

"He seems like a nice guy, though," Emma said. "He likes you, that's good."

"Yeah," Amy said. "But I appreciate your opinion. I mean, I don't need your approval."

Emma snorted and kept playing with her phone case. 

The next day she basically went straight over to Jonah's. She called ahead to make sure he hadn't gone back on his no dating except for Amy vow. While she waited for him to come home, she nervous cleaned. She found her naked picture still under the pillow though obviously he had seen it. 

Jonah came in and said, "Honey, I'm home." He laughed nervously. 

She said, "Hey." She kissed his cheek. 

"You cleaned up," Jonah said. "You didn't have to."

"I did have to," Amy said. "I was nervous and manic. Hey, have you ever thought about seeing a shrink? You were kind of a mess this summer, I think you've gotten better at covering it. I'm thinking of seeing a counselor, since I shouldn't be talking to you about my problems. But you should talk about your problems."

"You're a fun conversationalist," Jonah said. "I've seen a lot of shrinks. Psychiatrists, therapists, reiki practitioners. I saw a psychic once. I'm fine. I'm mostly fine."

"I was gonna see that counselor, it seems to be working for Dina. She's not freaking out as much. But I can't talk to you about everything, that's not fair. It's definitely not fair," Amy said. "I would say we should together but um, I think we have different issues."

Jonah smiled as he sat down on the couch. Amy came over and sat down next to him. "I say this with love."

"You love me?" Jonah sounded so humbled, it made her feel so cared for. 

"I do love you," Amy said. "You should still see someone. But I thought, like, why am I dating all these other people? I know I'm getting it out of my system, but I'm kinda done. I can't be 19 anymore. There's only so much I can recapture or relive, and it's stupid. It's stupid to think I can just throw away all those years of being an adult. I like being an adult."

"That sounds nice," Jonah said. "But I don't think you're being stupid. I think you're feeling your way, you know, like we all do. I didn't get married at 19, but I kinda feel like I was barely an adult. But I think most adults feel that way." 

"I talked to Emma about dating you," Amy said. 

"About what we're doing now?"

"No, about actually dating. You come over and we have dinner together and we let everyone at the store know," Amy said. 

"Oh," Jonah said. "Oh. I would love that, obviously. I would love that. Since I love you. By the way. We should date." 

Amy got on his lap. "We really should."

!!

Jonah went to a lot of protests and meetings. He bought a lot of coffee in boxes so everyone could have some. His mother asked him if he was throwing a lot of parties. Jonah said, "I'm going to a lot of community meetings. It seemed like a good use of money to pay for the drinks and snacks."

"Really?" His mother sounded tired. "You're contributing the family money is what you're doing."

"It's not my place to really speak," Jonah said. "I'm an ally. Are you going to cut me off again?"

"No," his mother said. "I will if you lose your job."

"Now you want me to work at Cloud 9," Jonah said.

"I want you to have a job and not get lost in another quixotic pursuit."

"Quixotic," Jonah said. "Nice word."

Jonah found his psychiatrist through recommendations from one of his new activist friends. She was good, he appreciated her bluntness. He told her about everything and tried not to tailor his story to see if she liked him. He maybe thought she didn't like him, sometimes. But it was her job to help him. 

He told her his greatest fear. "What if I get better and that means I'm supposed to leave Cloud 9?"

"Why would that be better?"

"You can't just tell me it won't happen?"

"Would you believe me for longer than three minutes? Come on, Jonah," she said. "Why do you think Cloud 9 is bad for you?"

"I don't think it is, but I wonder if that's right, maybe I have bad instincts?"

"Maybe you do," she said. "But you can't know that yet."

Jonah sighed and his session was done. His mother thought his shrink was too expensive. He didn't tell his mother that the shrink charged a sliding scale, he didn't mention he'd told his shrink to charge him the very top of the scale since his mom was paying. Instead he said, "My deductible is $4000, Mom, it's gonna be a while before I'm just paying the copay."

"Is she any good?"

"I think so," Jonah said. "I feel like things are getting on track."

"When she tells you you should leave Cloud 9 and get a real job, are you going to listen?"

"We were just talking about that today," Jonah said. "Hey, I'm home, I'll call you later."

Amy was in his apartment, like she often was, and she'd fallen asleep on the couch. That also wasn't new. He nudged her thigh. "Hey, Amy."

She hmmmed. She half opened her eyes and took off her shirt. Now she was just in her underwear and she had a thumb hooked in the band, getting ready to pull those off. "Hey," she said. "Were you at work or therapy?"

"Therapy. She's very mean, Amy." 

Amy shimmied out of her underwear and spread her legs. "I love being on the pill, no more condom searching."

He unzipped his pants and pushed them down. Just seeing Amy like that, so open for him, he was so hard. He made sure she was wet with his fingers and played with her to get her even wetter, even more open. Then he pushed into her with one stroke. "That's so nice," Amy said. 

"Nice is to great to hear," Jonah said. He was enjoying being on top this time, gripping her shoulder and pushing in and in and in. She arched her back and moaned. 

"Fuck," she said. "That's nasty. I love it."

Jonah smiled as he felt her come. He kept fucking her while she groaned and grasped. He really loved coming inside her. 

"Now I'm exhausted," he said, after they had both cleaned up. "We live on weird schedules."

"We live on Cloud 9 schedules," Amy said. "I still managed to to my hip hop dance class today, though. I love my Class Pass. My counselor was so right about that."

"You always like to emphasize that counselor. I see a shrink, you see a counselor," Jonah said. He'd cleaned up and he was getting into his bed. Amy was standing in the doorway. 

"Sure," she said. "You're mentally ill, but I just got divorced and need someone to talk to." She got in bed next to him. "I say that with love."

Jonah fell asleep with his head on her stomach.

!!

Amy actually enjoyed juggling her exercise classes, her work, Emma, and her boyfriend. She was a hip and together women who got things done. She enjoyed anal sex. She barely needed a counselor. 

"You're very smug," Jonah said. He was helping her in the warehouse. She had convinced him to wear one of the Vassar long sleeve tees his brother had bought him. She was so excited about the lack of plaid. 

"I'm just feeling myself. Fancy free, got my good life going," Amy said. 

"Living your best life," Jonah said. "You go, girl."

Amy rolled her eyes. "Sorry, I know you're not in the same place. Like the same happy place."

"I'm doing pretty good," Jonah said. "You know, since you're living your best life, maybe you can start taking college courses again?"

"Trying to bring me down," Amy said. She stopped scanning and leaned again some of the boxes. "I don't know. I don't know where it would fit into my schedule."

"If it's only one class," Jonah said. He was still working.

"You really want me to?" Amy was feeling a disturbance in her happy place.

Jonah said, "It seemed really important to you. Maybe it isn't anymore."

"Maybe I'm coasting," Amy said. She frowned. "Do you think I'm coasting?"

"It's not my opinion that matters," Jonah said. "I mean, I hope you care since we're dating. But if you wanted to wait a few years or let things settle with Emma, I don't think that's a bad idea."

"Yeah," Amy said. "It's a lot to take on." She patted his ass. "Thank you for bringing it up."

"You're not annoyed?"

"I appreciate you," Amy said. "Your butt, the way you butt into my life."

"That's not a good pun," Jonah said. 

"I withdraw my lack of annoyance because that was hilarious," Amy said.


End file.
